Blessed

Well I have been in my new place for 7 weeks I think it is now. I overdid things with the move physically and have found it mentally and emotionally hard as well.

The first week I was in, I cried so much. I was just so overwhelmed that this amazing place really is my home. There have been lots of teething problems with lots of repairs needed doing. I think most things have broken and been replaced or fixed so that has been quite stressful but am now just waiting on a new washing line and pest control to come and block up holes in my loft that cats and squirrels can get in.
For the first couple of weeks, Merlin would not come out from under the covers except at night and even then he was nervous. I used bach rescue remedy which I put in his cat milk and food every day and did seem to help. He went missing for 24 hours after week 2 and I was worried sick about him but he eventually came home and stayed in for another week under the duvet like a little mole. He is now used to it and he just loves it here. He is out most of the time and just comes in in the evening for his dinner and some cuddles. He never used to go out during the day at the old place and it is so nice to see that he is happy and settled here now.

I am loving it here and still feel incredibly blessed to have such a wonderful home. It is wonderful to have all the space and be able to use my wheelchair in every room. The kitchen is lowered so I am able to cook more often which is something that I really missed in my last place. I cooked now and again but it was always very difficult and quite dangerous. I am still not well enough to cook every day but certainly a lot better than before.
I also have a proper wet room that is massive and so I can get my wheelchair in and then transfer to a proper wheeled shower chair. Again, I am still not well enough to shower every day but it is easier and I feel safer. I still struggle with things like washing my hair and shaving my legs and I am hoping that I can get another assessment by social services when I am transferred to the local long term team and get some help with things like washing and drying my hair and getting dressed. I also can’t do things like peel and chop vegetables and stuff so I just need a little help.

I love having my own garden to sit in. It needs some work and I have asked if friends can give me an hour of their time next month the day before my birthday to come and do a bit of gardening or painting inside and get stuff done. I bought myself a bird feeding tree/station and have positioned it so that I can see it and the bird bath from my bed. On days when I am stuck in bed, I sit and watch all the different types of birds that come and feed. I don’t know much about birds but I am getting good at identifying the different types. So far there has been wood pigeons, collared doves, blackbirds, starlings, great tits, robins and another that I am not sure what it is but I think might be a finch of some sort. I want my garden to be a real haven for wildlife and not a tidy garden. am getting a very small pond for frogs and toads and stuff and having an are with wildflowers that are good for bees and butterflies and a log pile for beetles and stuff. There are already some bushes/shrubs and will get more planted and also a cherry tree. I want the patio extended as well. I know this will all take time and money and I can’t expect it to be all perfect this year but I have a vision of how I want it and gradually I will get it done bit by bit. I am also getting a BBQ from my parents for my birthday so am really looking forward to having people over for that.

I have such lovely next door neighbours. My bungalow is semi detached so just the neighbours on 1 side and they are just such a lovely couple. They are about my parent’s age and have really made me feel welcomed and looked after. I had them round for dinner and used my table for the first time. They have an old garden table and chairs that they said I can have for free. It needs a good clean apparently but will do the job. I would love a nice new set but just can’t afford it. The husband has offered to put my cat flap in for me and plumb in my dishwasher. I don’t feel like I can keep bothering him about it but hope that he gets it in soon. It makes such a difference to have nice neighbours after the awful problems that I had before with a couple of neighbours.

I have found it emotionally quite difficult sometimes too. Like with the garden. Part of me has all these plans of how to get it nice but there is a little part of me that still wants toget married and thinks is there any point spending money and resources if you wont be here forever but then another part of me can’t see how that will ever happen so wants to look at it like this is my forever home. I’ve also got myself confused with my bills and got bank charges and stuff from missed direct debits. My mind just can’t cope with working out what money needs to stay in and when the money comes out. It is because I get my ESA every fortnight then get my DLA every 4 weeks but then the bills come out monthly and my mind just simply cannot get around it and I get confused. I’ve asked CAP (Christians Against Poverty) to come and help me sort it all out because I am getting into trouble. They helped me get debt free last year so I know they are so helpful and really good. It is embarrassing admitting that my brain doesn’t work like other people’s does. It is part of the illness and one that I find incredible embarrassing. My Dad is always going on at me about money and he just doesn’t understand that I have problems with memory and cognitive stuff and I get really, really, upset and feel like I am stupid.

I was meant to be going back home for 10 days in a couple of weeks for my birthday but I am not well enough to go. My Dad’s operation is on the 7th and so it is probably best that I am not there then as there will be no one to look after me or carry my case and stuff as Dad wont be able to get up the stairs for a while and isn’t even allowed to lift a kettle. I’m hoping that he recovers quickly and they can come and visit me here instead but we shall see. I wish that I was well and I could go back and look after Mum ad Dad during this time but I just can’t and I find it frustrating. My brother is in New Zealand for another 18 months as well so he can’t help either and I do worry about how they are going to cope.

This place is starting to feel like home now and I am feeling more settled. I still can’t believe how blessed I am. It is so peaceful here. Out front is a small wooded area and there is an owl out there ad you can hear foxes mating calls and just do many different types of birds and then there are the squirrels of course. I just love it here so very much. God knows me so well and knew exactly what I needed and that is quiet and peace and nature and he has given me all that I prayed for and more. It has been a time of mixed emotions but more than anything, I just feel so incredibly blessed! 🙂

Realised that I hadn’t really mentioned my health or medications and stuff so am editing to include this as well. Before I moved my GP insisted that I come off dianette which is the contraceptive pill that I was on for the poly cystic ovary syndrome. He thought that as I spent so much time in bed and have put s much weight on that I was at higher risk of a stroke so he insisted on putting me on the mini pill. Well it is nice not to have any periods but it is not controlling the acne like dianette did and I am not all spotty and it is really getting me down. I have also noticed that I am more hairy and would have to shave my legs more than on dianette. I saw my new GP and explained that now I have moved, I am out of bed more and in my wheelchair but that I do exercises to reduce risk of a blood clot but she says I am still too high a risk for dianette and wouldn’t put me on it. She gave me some cream but it is not helping at all and I can’t even reach some of the places like my back. I feel more emotional as well and definitely more snappy.

I had a virus following my visit to the GP surgery and was ill with a d+v bug for 5 days. I wasn’t able to keep my medication down so I was also having withdrawals and in agony. I also had a few accidents where I did not make I to the loo in time and ended up being sick all over myself and from the other end too. I got really upset about this, I hate it when I can’t get to the loo in time. One time I couldn’t even get out of bed in time and so had to strip the bed, wash the mattress and bedding and sleep in a sleeping bag because I am physically not able to make the bed and I have no carers.

I’ve been getting really bad muscle spams recently. They had eased off once I started baclofen a couple of years ago but started getting really bad again lately so we have doubled the dosage but it is just not helping. I can’t even stand up long enough to stand at the medicine cupboard and put my pills into the daily pots. I am also getting spasms in my face tha make the bottom of my jaw jut out to the side and it is so so painful and keeps doing it. I feel self conscious about it ad when it happens, it is so painful I just cry and nothing helps the pain.

Talking of pain, I also started on ketamine the week I moved house. I had an early morning appointment at the hospital and as anyone who knows me knows that I don’t wake up until 11am and it takes me a while to come round. Well this was a 9am appointment and so I had to be up at 6.30am to get ready in time. I was not with it and my pain specialist talked me through possible side effects including feeling detached from the world, anxiety and hallucinations to name just a few. He also told me the dosage to take and I wrote it down as he told me. I went away and start taking it and I did have 1 night of mild hallucinations and it made me very sleepy and feeling sick and dizzy, oh and it tasted vile. I was nearly out of it and so I called his secretary up and she got him to phone me. he didn’t understand how I was nearly out and asked me what dosage I was taking and I said 10mg three times a day like you said and he was shocked ad said, “no, I said 1mg three times a day!” so I had been taking 10 times as much as I should have and he was surprised that I hadn’t been having terrible hallucinations and stuff. I immediately reduced it and over the weeks we have been slowly increasing the dose and I am back up to 10mg. I have to lie down for an hour after I take it because it is like when you are drunk and the room spins and you feel like throwing up. After lying down for an hour or so I am fine but it isn’t pleasant. I do think I have seen something out of the corner of my eye but when I look there is nothing there and I do get a bit of nausea and spaced out a little but it is helping with the pain. I am still always in pain but is at a more manageable level and I have been able to cut down on the oxynorm which is good. I could take them and be in less pain but I do worry about taking such strong opiates so I only take them when the pain is unbearable or if I am going out the I take tem too as going out is always bad. The ketamine doesn’t help the head and face pain that I get though, nothing touches that which is awful.

I haven’t been to church for 7 weeks now s just not been well enough an di really miss it. A few people from life group cme to mine on Thursday which was nice but I hope that I will be able to go tomorrow but not looking great.

I have also had a cleaner start who was recommended to me by a man who also uses readibus and she is really nice and a good worker. I am gonna have to cancel her this time though as I have had bank charges and they have taken what was the money for her which is a pain. Hope she doesn’t mind.

I need to go to sleep now, feeling dreadful so I shall finish on that note and edit again if I remember anything else lol!

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